2000-12-12 - 00:25:33
the morning rain clouds up my window, and I can't see at all

Admin: E-mail working fine now. Also, figured out the diaryland time zone problem.

Hmm. OK, it looks like it's time for me to go through one of those little phases where I think I suck at everything. Don't mind me, these usually don't last very long.

Actually, it's just going to be a phase where I think I suck at creative things. I feel very academically confident right now, following my Humanities 110 final, which probably puts me in the minority of students. I felt prepared and calm, due to plenty of studying and taking a few minutes to do ki breathing right before the test, and got it done with a satisfactory level of clarity and (I think) accuracy in slightly less than the allotted four hours. So I feel good about that. And I feel good about being able to feel good right after taking a four-hour test.

No, the problem came when I picked up my campus mail and got all the teacher's comments from the final presentations we did in acting class last week. Bad thing to read immediately after a daunting final, even if you did all right; there's still a bit of a tired vulnerable feeling there, and of course, when someone grades your acting, they're grading YOU dammit, you can say it's constructive evaluation of one skill and you'll be right too, but it's also the judgement of the PARTS OF YOURSELF that you chose -- or failed to choose -- to LAY BARE ON THE STAGE IN FRONT OF PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW REAL WELL.

So even though some things she said were very nice, one still takes criticisms kind of personal-like. Sucks to be told that you're only giving 65-70%, y'know. If I put forth 60% of the effort that I could on, say, a math test, I can probably get about 90% of the questions right anyway. When you're being judged on YOURSELF, it means a little more.

I think this was foreshadowed by the reaction I got from my set design teacher when I gave him the prelims for my final project, and he basically hated it. He and I were both very happy with the revised, final version, but with the initial draft, I took something that I'd spent a lot of time and research on, and found to be really satisfying and expressive, and took it to an authority on the subject, and he just had this crushing look of disappointment on his face. He essentially said it was rigid and fussy and I had to try to think outside the box and come up with something that wasn't boring. I'm paraphrasing but not exaggerating. I wanted to cry.

So as it turned out that was Phase One of the I-don't-have-any-art-in-me effect. Phase Two was getting the acting evaluation -- I hope there's no Phase Three. I've had quite enough for now. So now I'm in one of those funks that I get from time to time where I brood about not having creative juices within myself worth sharing with others. I'm going to come over all life-of-the-mind now, I know. That's where I get all cerebral and feel like my intellectual capacities are my only valuable quality. Aristotle would like me when I'm like this. He's crazy about the rational. Says it'll get you straight to the Good. (Not as much as Plato would like me, though. Hmm, there's a good way to think of it if I want to slap myself out of this.) We'll see how long that lasts. Maybe it'll go away upon arriving back home in a couple days -- or even by tomorrow following a good night's sleep.

So that was my Monday. How was yours?

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